Out for Delivery

God chose you, baby girl
With eyes like the moon to tell stories
His story, history
Of battles won in schoolyards and playgrounds
About the importance of following the king, Jesus

God chose you, with ears tuned to the ticking of a clock
That tell times of his grace and mercy
You are no accident, you are
the light, the essence of God's beauty

As you make your way here, baby girl,
Out of darkness and into free wifi,
May your first download be the bible app
For it will be your best instructions before life in eternity

I know you'll have questions about life
And how it is constructed, but just ask your auntie --
Black lives matter and no, you cannot wear your hair down
Because it is naturally kinky

Be GREAT, for GREATNESS is your predetermined journey
Be confident, for you too can steer a nation back to safety
The source of life on earth runs through your veins
So you will never be thirsty

God chose you, baby girl, to be courageous and to walk with dignity
To be mindful of others and their plight for victory
Never be so dismayed that you give up on life eternally
For your grandmother in heaven would not take it lightly

God chose you, baby girl, for his purposes only
That you may glorify him daily- you are a product 'Dunn' with 'Glory'
It was no mistake, so don't be late nor get here too early
Just be on time, I mean, Canadian time
For if West Indian time, we might have all gone on to glory

(Written for, and dedicated to, yet-to-be-born Zyann Dunn Malcolm)

The Love Poem

Penciled thin like the margin of a vein 

To my heart —he speaks.

His words, my last refrain

As I die in the interlude of his shrieks

What's a Vagina?

The moment you realized that you have taught her everything she needed to know about Reputation and Respect. How to sit up straight, and how to tie her shoe laces. How to love herself, and how to listen. How to speak up, and how to dream. You have taught her...but not about what a vagina is.

You want to teach her how it is public. How it shapes, defines, and positions her in the world. How it symbolizes power even in the numbing haze of patriarchy. How it is matriarchal. How it is a poem. How "cuss cuss" is a fake name.

 "Be careful you don't trip the wrong way and hurt your vagina."

 "What's a vagina?"

You point in silence. And all you can say is...

but she breaks the silence,

 "It's my Private part."

New Woman

Two degrees, no father, dreams stifled for a sleep
She steps at dawn, cell phone ringing, fully booked,--
hooked on improvement.

'The modern woman'
cutting lines in the sidewalk
She hurries to get the kids
you slipping memory like rainbow, yet
She has no longing to leave you, following

She swaying
pocketbook against the wind, behind
moving to the clamour of the job market
Empress in nylons, She on her way
quickening to get that raise

Now you swallowing gin to understand
how She flexing, unrestrained, menacing,
needing, but shunning you
She ain’t your mother
She moving too fast

No fling for cajoling, pushing you
you talking son to carry-on name
She saying tight schedule, more manhood
less bitching
She demanding you pay attention.

PMSing aint the deal
It's the weight of her lungs
the heave for status that keep
her going, on the go, stomping tradition
She flying red in darkness, still

Ain’t no falling short--'xcept maybe on the sex.

But We Already Knew THAT

The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan

Black male endangered

"The black male is in a very particular place of endangerment not only by environmental factors, but the Black man's attitude, our ignorance, our savagery, are all lending to a plan, a conspiracy. The scientists say that when a species is endangered, the next stage is extinction. If the condition of the Black Male in particular is not checked and if God does not intervene, we will soon be extinct" ("The Final Call", April 7, 2009 issue, pg. 21).

Black middle class, crabs in a barrel

"Some of us look around at American society and we see some Blacks doing well, making what we think is progress and wealth and prestige, and we say, "We're moving on up now. Things aren't so bad. Why look at Oprah, Barack Obama, P. Diddy, Tiger Woods, Clarence Thomas. Look at Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice. Aren't they clear signs of progress?" Much has been said about the growth of the Black middle class and how it appears we have finally turned the corner in our quest to attain the American dream. But is this real? .... In reality we have the illusion, the trappings of progress, but little else to show for our 452 years in bondage as slaves and now as free slaves in North America.

Now, if we look at the proverbial crabs in a barrel, the crabs are trying to get up, but another crab is pulling the crab down. But just suppose somebody is at the top of the barrel looking at the crabs, watching the drama of the crabs. And suppose he or she says, "come, let us deal wisely with those crabs. Let's take a few out of the barrel and put them at the top of the barrel and let them look back down on the other struggling crabs. If we do that it will give the other crabs the notion that they, too, can get out." But the crabs at the top of the barrel didn't get out because of his own talent and ability alone. The crab got out because the master took him out and allowed him out for the master's purpose!

Now, let's look at the wealthy and the famous among us. They have become a buffer between the angry Black masses and White people of power and influence that have us looking at our own rich as though they have betrayed us, when the wise demons behind them have used them as buffer to protect them from the anger of the poor White, the poor Black and the poor Brown. That is why you can never be an effective spokesperson for the hurt of your people because if you displease the crab barrel master, you are afraid that he might put you back in the barrel and not pluck you out again" ("The Final Call", April 7, 2009 issue, pg. 22).


My thoughts exactly; i could not have said it better. I am still waiting for those phone calls btw. You know, those calls, after the interviews.

Slow Motion

I spread my thighs
you enter, My Style
full-sized, full-eyed
slow breathing exercise
lips charred. We cool

High moon, we spoon
deep, slow, solid
hips arching toward desire
hands naming what's required

You stake out landscape, yes
easy, open, body places
call each entry. Faces
masked in salt and tears

It's a shame there are boundaries
checking reality
no further skills-,
balancing budget, doing dishes,
treating me like a lady

I am a woman, with deep desire
deeper than my parts
wider than the space between my breast
come, come, come inside
my unborn, "about to happen"

Bring your paycheck, bring flowers
a smile; caring eyes
bring good reason and common sense
Diploma in Intuition.
Bring desire to segregate mood
swings, and calls for belly rub

35 Things I am Sick and Tired of, But Which Are Here to Stay

(1) Monotony

(2) Poverty

(3) Cellulite

(4) Pretentious people

(5) The devaluation of education

(6) Illiteracy

(7) Domestic abuse

(8) Weight loss commercials

(9) Polite racism

(10) Black peoples' historical inheritance of "doubleness"

(11) Winter

(12) "The Market"

(13) The increasing cost of living

(14) Hearing, "these are the last days"

(15) Unethical practices

(16) Long line-ups

(17) Underemployment

(18) Diseases

(19) Excuses

(20) Fear

(21) Explaining blackness

(22) Single motherhood

(23) Broken homes

(24) Hardened hearts

(25) Carrying the weight of black stereotyping and misrepresentation

(26) Irresponsibility

(27) Inadequate men

(28) Pain and suffering

(29) Discrimination

(30) The unending death and criminalization of YBM

(31) Barriers to success

(32) Pollution

(33) Stretch marks

(34) War

(35) Hunger

Gentle reminder to self, courtesy of an old friend:
"the world owes me nothing, it was here first"

Chill pills, and a few other things, would set this country straight

Did someone say recession?

Happy Pills by Son of Groucho

Warmth, equal opportunity for all and chill pills every other month would put us right back on track. Anti-discrimination practices served with a smile could also do the trick. Maybe good drinking water, that means lead-free, and the elimination of all man-made products that cause cancer. Oh, i almost forgot, lottery winnings for the poor!; no, seriously, the elimination of poverty would give this recession a kick in the rear. But, then again, how do you declare everyone rich in a depression? We're screwed! Take a pill.

Upon Arrival

Money, Power, Cement--
owners of Front Street
huddle together, pavement
and traffic lights under siege
old men nest like rodents on
banks below

Imperial, her majesty
Royal, in Trust
In whose trust?
financial interbreeding, fine dining
fancy mirrors, access
to capital gains. Scotia
spurns credit for sleeping
doormen in bags, subzero

Power on Front Street
is Progress, brick by brick
Home for old men, dreaming
a space,
head disjointed, no
Money to rest--

Should history record the
nightmare, ill-delusion. Seclusion
Power molded in sandstone
Red light, Green Night
shrieking alarm

Front streets ain't only
on Front Street
They in welfare offices
on subway benches and living
room couches
caseworkers and passersby smell
the stench,
have grown accustomed to the
indifference,
the unholy Divide
between ivory and calico

Photograph of My Mother as a Young Woman

Age-old scented paper
glaring
eyes piercing souls in the story
Behind the eyes are shadows
of generations--
maids, butlers, seamstresses
Big mamas nursing babies

Callow, slim, angled neckline
hold steady
"that's the nose i got!"
chiseled to suits the senses
Frozen truth in black and white

Hardened, broken, splintered
lips
a photograph of my mother
untold stories laid to rest
Silently spoken, haunting

Sparsely-cut black hairdo
askew to jawline
cheekbone
Frilly top shifting memory--
mother's mother
six Sundays ago

Healing After Heartache

During the past year, i have had four friends / family members who have had suffered heartbreak. The culprit? Men who just do not give a damn. I, however, have a strong sense of justice in words because the language we speak can be very powerful; words carry more weight than anything we can do to "fight back". I have always looked to words as a blueprint for healing. I suggested reading and writing to those hurting. Some prefer music and fine wine.

If i could create a language for healing after heartache, it would transpose a voice of strength, integrity and good humour. It would unveil the vein of truth that pumps a lifeline of emotion to that shielded organ we call "heart". It would clarify for us what we really feel, want and don't give a shit about. It would convey the will to rise above and beyond human folly and flaw--that which make us, at once, both human and monster. It would sound like...

It's okay, i get it. I like the absence; it's a nice dose of reality. Reality beats me into becoming a woman. A strong woman; a woman who understands what it really feels like to be low and out, but who is also able to learn, grow and live freely.

The way i "do things" is:

I care for people; i am sympathetic towards others and i feel other people's pain. I wear my heart on my sleeve, not because i want to, but because i am real. I am a real person. I am nobody's fool; i am witty. I am kind. I have a lot going for me. If you are real i can deal with you. What do i value the most? Honesty.

I am glad that i have made you a better person (assuming you no longer burn rice and you take your health seriously). You have made me a better person as well; in so many ways, i am wiser and stronger. My family means the world to me. My family is my world. I can be your friend. The challenge is yours to take.

Reflections

The most benign gift we have is the gift of love. It is an emotion that breathes life into our soul. We are nothing without it. Each day, my daughter reminds me of the importance of love. She cuddles up to me, like any child would, when she feels tired, sad, disappointed or frustrated. If i do not place my arms around her and pull her real close to my bosom, she takes my hands and try to make them hug her, protect her, calm her, love her. We have "Bammy" moments when we kiss each other slowly on both cheeks, then, "faster". We bond through laughter and mutual love exchange.

I make these moments a daily ritual, a routine we share. At times, in my own deep thoughts, i reflect on this single small emotion. I am inspired by its greatness. I think about the coldness and hardness of the winter months; constantly, it reminds me of the coldness and hardness of the world. I ask myself, what is it that makes us survive? Because, really, we are not meant to survive. I could die if i should stumble and fall on the ice when nobody is looking. The answer came quickly. It is the relationship we maintain with others; it is the love we share with each other that keeps us breathing everyday, expecting nothing in return. The greatness of love is in its capacity to heal, nourish, nurture and sustain us.

I am profoundly grateful to have been blessed so graciously with the gift of love. And i am thankful that i am able to "give it" freely and abundantly to the people in my world. It is a spiritual booster to know that we are loved. An unadulterated flicker of hope, joy and peace that keeps us burning brightly long after initial encounters have subsided. I love you.

Ride With Me

Ride with me on "the midnight train"
my love, smite the wicked rain
that soils my silent body
claiming the shame
my eyes have feelings too

Like the Sable Queen, shipwrecked, lost
left to die, frost
shrivels the thin layered darkness
and quietly tames the screeching roar
of my heart against yours

Ride "the midnight train" with me
my love, unmelt the key
Won't you smite that wicked rain?
Take my hand and walk away
wash the silence that makes me sway.

Love. Listen up!

It's the danger of it all
love is risky business
you carry the silent anger
the pain of wanting to retreat
you stop for a moment to think,
and you ache
you stop for a moment and you feel like
you slipping
like you slipping into something
like you falling and can't stop falling.
It's the danger of it all
love is risky business.
Even when you take a bow
and the curtains fall, you
still falling
you live in the reflections
of broken glass
you walk in the shadow of
you hope, and you pray, yes
you pray
you sing yourself a reason to keep
but you keep falling
the pit that you falling into
has no bottom
just darkness
and echoes of you loneliness.
It's risky business i would say
if you can't stop yourself from falling
you falling and wondering why
you can't stop,--
a woman heart tender
when her mind strong, yet
you keep falling like leaf
on autumn day
you not certain about destination
all this time you traveling
you not sure where you going, but
you going
you going because you falling
and although you know it's risky
business
you still falling
like snow before winter come 'round.
When you falling be sure
someone, a shadow in the pit, even
there to catch you
it better when you don't fall
by yourself
because
love is risky business
when you falling and don't know
that is falling you falling.
Long as you grown and have sense
you will know
is just that you may not know the danger
because you falling and all the time thinking
that is just falling you falling
you slipping too, yes!
you sliding and slipping, losing grip
and you might just grab something
and still feel like you falling
ain't nothing gonna stop you from falling
once you falling
is the pleasure and pain of falling
that keep you going
you high and low in one sweep
ain't nothing gonna help you, now
now that you been falling
and all the while not knowing that
you falling
it's a dangerous
damn dangerous
risky business

Gaining, but Steadily Losing Hope

I made it! I abandoned my blog (a thing i love so much) for almost six months, so i could make IT. Now, a graduate holding a Master of Arts degree in English...well, lets just say that's the only thing i'm holding; i've never been more jobless, frustrated and fearful in my life. Let me explain. Being in University provides a kind of intellectual shelter from the harsh, sometimes crude, world of employment; University theoretically trains you for years, but provides no practical opportunity. I haven't come across an employer who doesn't see (code: looking for) 3-5 years of experience as an "asset" in getting the job. I feel like screaming:

"Where the hell do i get 3-5 years teaching experience if i have been in school trying to get those damn degrees for the last 5 years?!"

Now, penniless and with little hope of getting that 45k job so i can at least feed my daughter and live free, i'm thinking about going back to study for another 5years since i cannot bare to go on welfare. Yes, it's that bad. Another delay, another escape from the real world. With a student loan and 10years studying "experience" lets pray that retirement go as planned for English professors; then, they'll have no choice but to hire me. Bastards!

Obama wins an election by talking about the very things that i've been wanting to hear these days: unyielding hope, opportunity and honesty from politicians who claim to govern all of us. I have never been more hopeless and felt more uninspired by those above us. I remember being in primary school thinking i could be anything i wanted to be as long as i worked hard, possessed the right kind of attitude and integrity. It turns out that i've worked hard against all odds, and trust me, there have been many, did all the right things and is still unable to see a real break, a real glimmer of hope in breaking from my past hardships and struggle. Being a media junkie of sorts, i scan my television screen each day and there is always someone testifying to reaching the American / Canadian dream through hard work and perseverance. Though, for most of us, especially those who had to start the race from too far behind in not having the right kind of parents, living conditions, guidance, mentors, resources, opportunities, environment, we wind up seeing the very dream so many people talk about eluding us.

Where on earth is the best place to live? Where do i go as a hardworking, motivated, determined, conscientious black woman with little experience, a student loan, a daughter and an MA in English?

Will a nation deliver on huge problems like global warming and terrorism when it cannot adequately handle small things like equal opportunity and employment. What about those dreams that have been deferred?

So What

Another uneventful day. I have been waking up half an hour earlier each day, just because. I'm trying to keep track of all the things i need to get done, you know, those readings and papers. Sometimes I wonder if i have a life at all, i mean, I do nothing but study. I guess that makes me a good student. Talking about student, JJ took a couple of her books the other day and put underneath her arm, went to the door all dressed-up and said, "mommy, come on; i'm going to school!" needless to say, I was glad to hear it as my mom told me that i, too, dressed in my sister's school uniform when i was a toddler and that i would sometimes pretend that i was going to school; i even pretended to read their books from cover to cover. So that little J is a real joy to watch; she's following in mommy's footsteps nicely. I'm a very lucky mother.

I have been reading Dionne Brand and Austin Clarke for my summer "Black Canadian Literature" course. Now, i'm on to Brand's, Land to Light On...

JJ just came through the door; gotta go!

Kisses on a Bridge, May 9th

First love, first kiss, first touch, first surrender,
first "always and forever"
She dreams of faraway places, next to him,--
her Prince.

He comes at night, carrying fresh roses
on the wind
she waits for him, always, in the bridge of a song
breathing love verses through sheets of rain,
and nighttime thunder.

She wants him to take her,
over mountain tops and shallow rivers,
over potholes and broken tracks
never slowing,--
children of the poor can love each other.

But,

She is a dreamer; so is he.
So he takes his love where it can be guarded.
Away from careless youth and hunger;
away from sinful desires and naive splendor.

Does he cry, always, for a memory?

Vision Health

Getting blurred vision after receiving eye drops gave me a new perspective on life. Never take your vision forgranted! Although the blurriness goes away by evening, it's a pain in the ass to walk in the sun.; you simply have to use your imagination to find your way (or maybe just a little of it). The blurriness still didn't go away for me, and here i am typing.

I went for my second presurgery appointment today. I received a laser procedure known as iridotomy to create two small openings in my peripheral iris, in both eyes. These openings create a way for fluid to flow through the front chamber of the eye so that a blockage of fluid can be prevented when the lens go in (and therefore prevent fluid pressure known as glaucoma). I return on Friday for my ICL (implantable Contact Lenses) vision correction procedure! I am excited; i am in great hands.

Home shopping has been going great; finally, York Region is the spot. I am taking everything in strides, or trying to. Inevitably some things got left out of the works: my GA work went down hill so i'll be playing catch-up. Now, gotta go rest the eye.

It Started with a Smile

No, i didn't go on a vacation :)
I got an offer for my condo and i have been looking for a new home (in TO); so if you know a "safe" and affordable neighbourhood let me know! I also have a minor surgery in a couple weeks. Anxious? Definitely...

Btw, of the two papers i have left, one is near done and the other, well, let's just say i do not have a topic yet.

Between home shopping, library visits and essay writing i hardly managed to celebrate JJ's B-day today.


And it ended with a smile.

Out with the Old

Where did March go, so quickly...looking for March, March...March?!

One paper done, two more to go...

During the past week:

My daughter came home from daycare with a blackeye (and i don't mean Black Eyed Peas). The following day i had asked the sitter if JJ was in a fight with the girls and she replied, "no, i would have told you, for sure!" "JJ was not hit nor did she fall," she said. What am i to do? There was no scratch or bruise so i left it at that. It eventually went down but i wondered if the sitter was being honest. I trust no one.

***
I watched "American Gangster" a couple nights ago and thought it Weird that Denzel plays the role of the lead 'gangster' (i cannot see him as a tough guy so he was lovable the whole time for me). My hobby says that getting Denzel into the lead is an appropriate business move to get people into the theatre. Makes sense. Now, i want to see "The Great Debaters," another Denzel movie. My uncle phoned me about a month ago saying i have to see it; it has been on my list ever since.

***
I went shopping this past week, as well, for children clothing, that is. Got some great deals. Funny, my daughter is still wearing some of her 12 and 18mths clothes (one suit can't fit her yet!). I find it incredible because she's not tiny...

Ooops, JJ just came through the door which means, yep, you guessed it!