35 Things I am Sick and Tired of, But Which Are Here to Stay

(1) Monotony

(2) Poverty

(3) Cellulite

(4) Pretentious people

(5) The devaluation of education

(6) Illiteracy

(7) Domestic abuse

(8) Weight loss commercials

(9) Polite racism

(10) Black peoples' historical inheritance of "doubleness"

(11) Winter

(12) "The Market"

(13) The increasing cost of living

(14) Hearing, "these are the last days"

(15) Unethical practices

(16) Long line-ups

(17) Underemployment

(18) Diseases

(19) Excuses

(20) Fear

(21) Explaining blackness

(22) Single motherhood

(23) Broken homes

(24) Hardened hearts

(25) Carrying the weight of black stereotyping and misrepresentation

(26) Irresponsibility

(27) Inadequate men

(28) Pain and suffering

(29) Discrimination

(30) The unending death and criminalization of YBM

(31) Barriers to success

(32) Pollution

(33) Stretch marks

(34) War

(35) Hunger

Gentle reminder to self, courtesy of an old friend:
"the world owes me nothing, it was here first"

Gaining, but Steadily Losing Hope

I made it! I abandoned my blog (a thing i love so much) for almost six months, so i could make IT. Now, a graduate holding a Master of Arts degree in English...well, lets just say that's the only thing i'm holding; i've never been more jobless, frustrated and fearful in my life. Let me explain. Being in University provides a kind of intellectual shelter from the harsh, sometimes crude, world of employment; University theoretically trains you for years, but provides no practical opportunity. I haven't come across an employer who doesn't see (code: looking for) 3-5 years of experience as an "asset" in getting the job. I feel like screaming:

"Where the hell do i get 3-5 years teaching experience if i have been in school trying to get those damn degrees for the last 5 years?!"

Now, penniless and with little hope of getting that 45k job so i can at least feed my daughter and live free, i'm thinking about going back to study for another 5years since i cannot bare to go on welfare. Yes, it's that bad. Another delay, another escape from the real world. With a student loan and 10years studying "experience" lets pray that retirement go as planned for English professors; then, they'll have no choice but to hire me. Bastards!

Obama wins an election by talking about the very things that i've been wanting to hear these days: unyielding hope, opportunity and honesty from politicians who claim to govern all of us. I have never been more hopeless and felt more uninspired by those above us. I remember being in primary school thinking i could be anything i wanted to be as long as i worked hard, possessed the right kind of attitude and integrity. It turns out that i've worked hard against all odds, and trust me, there have been many, did all the right things and is still unable to see a real break, a real glimmer of hope in breaking from my past hardships and struggle. Being a media junkie of sorts, i scan my television screen each day and there is always someone testifying to reaching the American / Canadian dream through hard work and perseverance. Though, for most of us, especially those who had to start the race from too far behind in not having the right kind of parents, living conditions, guidance, mentors, resources, opportunities, environment, we wind up seeing the very dream so many people talk about eluding us.

Where on earth is the best place to live? Where do i go as a hardworking, motivated, determined, conscientious black woman with little experience, a student loan, a daughter and an MA in English?

Will a nation deliver on huge problems like global warming and terrorism when it cannot adequately handle small things like equal opportunity and employment. What about those dreams that have been deferred?

So What

Another uneventful day. I have been waking up half an hour earlier each day, just because. I'm trying to keep track of all the things i need to get done, you know, those readings and papers. Sometimes I wonder if i have a life at all, i mean, I do nothing but study. I guess that makes me a good student. Talking about student, JJ took a couple of her books the other day and put underneath her arm, went to the door all dressed-up and said, "mommy, come on; i'm going to school!" needless to say, I was glad to hear it as my mom told me that i, too, dressed in my sister's school uniform when i was a toddler and that i would sometimes pretend that i was going to school; i even pretended to read their books from cover to cover. So that little J is a real joy to watch; she's following in mommy's footsteps nicely. I'm a very lucky mother.

I have been reading Dionne Brand and Austin Clarke for my summer "Black Canadian Literature" course. Now, i'm on to Brand's, Land to Light On...

JJ just came through the door; gotta go!

Out with the Old

Where did March go, so quickly...looking for March, March...March?!

One paper done, two more to go...

During the past week:

My daughter came home from daycare with a blackeye (and i don't mean Black Eyed Peas). The following day i had asked the sitter if JJ was in a fight with the girls and she replied, "no, i would have told you, for sure!" "JJ was not hit nor did she fall," she said. What am i to do? There was no scratch or bruise so i left it at that. It eventually went down but i wondered if the sitter was being honest. I trust no one.

***
I watched "American Gangster" a couple nights ago and thought it Weird that Denzel plays the role of the lead 'gangster' (i cannot see him as a tough guy so he was lovable the whole time for me). My hobby says that getting Denzel into the lead is an appropriate business move to get people into the theatre. Makes sense. Now, i want to see "The Great Debaters," another Denzel movie. My uncle phoned me about a month ago saying i have to see it; it has been on my list ever since.

***
I went shopping this past week, as well, for children clothing, that is. Got some great deals. Funny, my daughter is still wearing some of her 12 and 18mths clothes (one suit can't fit her yet!). I find it incredible because she's not tiny...

Ooops, JJ just came through the door which means, yep, you guessed it!

The Island (Looking Forward)

Cotton Clouds Nose DiveGreen Candy Real Meal

Brick and Lace: Love is Wicked

One of the hottest reggae videos that i’ve seen in a while. I’ve never heard of Brick and Lace but this song is wicked! Number 1 on the Top 10 Caribbean Music Videos chart and number 3 on the Top 10 Reggae Singles chart. I stumbled upon this and other relevant stuff in the West Indian Entertainment & Life Magazine (which is FREE monthly, btw, at ethnic food stores etc.). The magazine has tons of info on “Music, Culture, Art, People, Life” that practically covers the Black Atlantic! Found it just in the nick of time, the magazine i mean, as I was desperately searching for stuff, ANYTHING, on "black history."

Busy Signal: Nah Guh Jail Again

Hmmm, the message is clear. Thank you. Number 4 on the Top 10 Reggae Singles chart...

The End of the World?

It took a good dose of international news for me to realize just how ucked-up the world is right now. It has been "the last days" for as long as i can remember; and from what i've seen, God has definitely changed her mind about coming. Yea, i said HER. Ellen DeGeneres spoke with God, personally, and she confirmed God is a SHE (and a black woman at that! Shocking, isn't it?). But, really, the whole world is doing a U turn on progress...we've actually...what did Karen say in Coupland's Girlfriend in a Coma? Dissolved, yes, the world has dissolved. Natural disaster is no longer confined to earthquakes, volcanoes and the like, but has taken on new forms, in many places: war, genocide, suicide bombing, ethnic rivalry, AIDs etc. There is a shoot-out / killing-spree in progress every second of everyday all around the world; and i get to lay in bed and watch this...this unfolding of the end of humanity, on the 5 o'clock news, from the comfort of my pillow-top mattress in my bedroom (Dreams and Things). "Gosh, i hate watching the news, it ruins my whole day!" Isn't a Canadian day more precious than a middle Eastern day? "We should be glad we don't have war!" Well, uck me silly, we must be specially finger painted by the Superior One! But why watch the news when i can watch The Simpsons, or Kings of Queens, or even one of George Bush's speech on terror? Actually, i can't figure out which one is more horrifying: American powercracy or the 5 o'clock news. The news has more raw action; it's like watching "murder by the third degree."


"Honey, pass me the popcorn, i don't want to miss the next bombing."

Jennifer Hudson: Carol of the Bells

Merry Christmas! I admire this lady so much. She's a great example of what talent and dreams can do :-)

"the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

A plaque i have on my living room wall and walk by everyday without noticing. I noticed it today...

'Phishing' for Identity

I received e-mails, three days in a row, asking me to activate my online banking with RBC Royal Bank or else my account will be deleted within 24hrs. And i thought that my e-mail was "protected." I am supposed to go to the link provided and enter my client card number and password. Fortunately, i know fraud when i see it, so i didn't 'click'. But what about all the people who do click? Well, here's a link to a dictionary's definition of phishing; it's the least i can do to prevent others from falling prey:

Phishing: definition, usage and pronunciation - YourDictionary.com

I won the lottery several times in the past, but never claimed any of the winnings. I also inherited millions from philanthropists all over the world, and never claimed it either. I have to say that these e-mails are usually quite convincing. But what is it about me that attracts fraud? Funny, I never get these in my Hotmail account, only my University account.

Stress-metre Decreasing

My hobby went home to bury his dad; I am handling everything better than i thought. Everything's going well otherwise and i am feeling a little bit more in control of my life (perhaps because academic pressures have subsided somewhat). My daughter has been cold free for two weeks and i am happy for that as well. It's funny how the little things in life are what makes you happy, at least in my case.

I watched some reality TV last night: "The Bachelor" finale/final rose ceremony.
I am a sucker for romance even thou i know its not "real." The "bachelor" did not pick any of the final two ladies which is fine especially since he wanted to be honest about his feelings; but why lead the women on and have them believe that he genuinely cared about them (and not as sisters) and then dump them? He actually said that he didn't see anything in DeAnna that he wouldn't want in a wife, yet he sent her home broken hearted. My first reaction was: "Okay, he's either gay or crazy." I won't be the judge.

Expired "Free" Time

First day of classes and, to quote Ward, i'm already "swamped and struggling to breathe". I still need to get a routine going. The aches and pain that i feel while walking from one end of the campus to the other made me realize the kind of shape my body was in. After all, i stayed home all summer; the funny thing is, i thought chasing my daughter around, everyday, would be all the exercise i needed! Now, i guess the joke is on me. There is no way i can possibly fit gym into my schedule, at least not right now; maybe not ever! Who said motherhood, marriage and higher learning could work? Oh yea, oops, that would be me! Actually, it doesn't, i'm the one who makes it work. I can't take all the credit, but most of it :) Now, if i could only get my husband to believe that...

tsk, tsk, tsk

Busy day for me. I ran around to do some last minute shopping and to fulfill some last minute appointments. I need a break! Given that classes begin tomorrow, i guess i will have to wait a while:). Summer went by fast, though. I did get to throw in some entertainment but i'm still thirsty. I have a couple movie and theme park passes/tickets that i planned on using before September, and here we are! Gee, i need to take it easy or i will grow old before i get young. Oh well, I will throw some fun into this coming weekend...

Anxiety, Plus

Oh my, i'm nervously excited about starting GS next week. I keep wondering if i will be able to handle it; you know, all that "serious" work. Truth is, i wondered the same thing when i started my undergrad, and here i am. I am very intellectually insecure but i'm the only one who knows that. I told one of my professors that i was shy to speak when she invited a guest lecturer (*embarrass*) and i believe she was surprised :); i don't know, i certainly become a different person when i write. I feel more free to be honest and could care less what other people think when i'm being ethically or morally open-minded. As soon as i begin to verbalize, i almost become too cautious.

What annoys me most is a seminar in which nobody talks and we all just show up because of the participation marks and could care less if the instructor speaks for the entire three hours. To sit and listen to an instructor for three hours is more excruciating than getting my wisdom tooth out; not because he/she isn't doing a great job, but my attention span is not that long. In my first and second undergrad years (which are the listening years) i would often dream and wake-up to reality many times over before the period would be up. It's amazing how, somewhere between dream and reality, i acquired knowledge.

I like when i can look forward to a seminar, and when it's over, wish the next one would be the following day. I'm weird like that :). I have to get over my shyness though. Sometimes i get so nervous before i speak that when i do begin, i am, literally, out of breath. And my contributions are often times productive, i would like to think. Oh well, we all have things we have to "get over". Now, if i could only get over my fear that the MA program will be unmanageable...

Ten Things and a Poem

Here are ten things you didn't know about me...

1. i have been to the Cayman Islands
2. i received 100% on my citizenship test
3. i make my best decisions in the shower
4. i don't care for flowers
5. i don't gamble
6. i bite my nails
7. i dream a lot
8. i can't swim
9. i 'm faithful
10. i like diamonds

Accursed Romance

As a girl, she'd met him.
He took her, tempestuously
raped her, made her want him
she hated him.
He saved her, ruined her
she opened, like a jasmine
to his promises, kisses
playing for keeps, she couldn't.
He was her secret,
her "little white lie",
her escape, her jewel
her confidante.
They played chess, naked
with words, without language
he touched her, she cried
in pain, in ecstasy, in hope
that nothing was lost
between the sheets
of her heart, feign.

My "Fix"

I finished watching "Millionaire" and "Jeopardy" and needed a fix (i don't drink or smoke, i watch tv) so i scanned the channels and bumped into "Miss Teen USA 2007". Actually they reached a milestone this year: they gave the title to a brunette instead of a blond! Good for them! I'm much better at the "millionaire" questions than the jeopardy clues, maybe because i want to be a millionaire :). But that's ok, i'm more than happy with the little that i have. Some people win pageants, some people win money, and some people write blogs; who said life wasn't fair?

I'm feeling a little anti-establishment tonight, can't stand red tape.

Over the last couple days i have been reading and working on my proposals of which i now have one page (single space); one more page to go!

I had some shrimps for dinner today, again. I've been having it once per week for the past two weeks. I was allergic to all seafood except codfish and tuna. A couple weeks ago i tried shrimp (haven't had it in 10years)and realized that i didn't swell up, so i was happy and had it again, and again, and again. The next step is crab and lobster; scary. One step at a time. Now, if only i had 20/20 vision...

Making Preparations

Today i will be reading, reading, reading, and focusing on my SSHRC and OGS proposals.

Mr. Dean

My prayers and thoughts go out to everyone in the Caribbean who have, and will have, experience the wrath of hurricane Dean. The Caribbean has taken too much beating from natural disasters; the man upstairs probably forgot to do a roll call to see who have had enough. I mean, since the arrival of Columbus, the roll call seemed to have stopped in the Caribbean sea. The man just bring pure bad luck wid em from Europe, cho. It's seems like Caribbean countries are set to beg their way through history since damages from natural disasters are always in the millions. Every time these countries try to stand there is always something there to beat them down. Residents can only watch in fear.

As usual, only the tourists can leave. Natives have never truly had the luxury of "leaving". I can just imagine the loss that the poor will face, not to mention those living on the edge of cliffs and close to the shores. People who have nothing before the hurricane will have nothing-plus afterwards. I spoke to my sister-in-law last night and she told me that hurricane Ivan almost lifted her house off it blocks and it was category 3 on a 5point scale. My sister's house was flooded from Ivan as well; this time she is reluctant to face Dean. I encouraged everyone to stay strong and they all agreed that they will have to. They refused to be beaten down in spirit by Mr. Dean.

A Lousy Day

I did not do anything constructive today. In fact, everything i did was personally destructive: stressed over the uncontrollable, stressed over the controllable, got so darn pissed at Children's Services that i could barely contain myself.

NOTE TO SELF
Because i am perfect (and i mean this in the humblest way possible), it doesn't mean that everyone else is.

It's called LIFE

It started out as a very good day, actually. I woke up a bit late but, nevertheless, well rested. I went out to arrange daycare for my little princess as i will be heading out to grad studies pretty soon. After such formalities we went out to lunch; i decided to enjoy the outdoors as we are usually cooped-up inside ruining her summer. I made mac and cheese for the princess' dinner (it's her favourite), and stir fried rice with shrimp for the rest of the family. We watched "Baby's First TV" together with daddy and big sister, and we all ended up having too much water melon as we were very hot and thirsty; mind you, we do have central air, but for some reason, someone turned it off, and the whole time we couldn't figure out why we were so hot. Anyways, it's up and running again. I watched "Last Comic Standing" at 9pm because i enjoy a good laugh, and because i actually find it quite relaxing. My husband received a phone call from his sister at around 10pm. His father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer. As a matter of fact, today is not a good day for the family.